Dating Sucks: Is Your Prospective Date a Lunatic?

24 January 2018

Dear Dating Diary,

I recently received this message from a prospective date:

Hi Orlando! I hope you’re week has gone well. I want you to do a little exercise for me tonight. Stand in front of the mirror and say this: I’m really just a self-validation whore who’s on dating apps just to get attention with no real intention to meet anyone. Through my profile I mislead people into thinking that I’m looking for something real, when in reality I’m totally unexcitable and disinterested in the whole thing and that makes me a pathetic liar. I don’t care about other people’s feelings when I ignore their text messages and give them bullshit excuses because I’m a narcissist at heart. I will never get a quality guy because smart guys will see right through me that I’m an inconsiderate narcissist sac of shit [Kissy Face Emoji, Thumbs Up Emoji]. Oh and by the way, I saw your other profile on another dating site, you’re showing your chest. It’s pretty slim and saggy. And just to let you know: I knew that your sister excuse was complete bullshit. [Kissy Face Emoji]

What would you do if you got this message?

A small aside that if you look at the text messages above you’ll see they were received by my phone in a totally jumbled order which I had to patch together in order to understand what he was saying. I’m assuming this is because he’s on some sort of non-iPhone. Obviously, no judgement on that but it made the messages have an even more sinister tone, sort of akin to those old ransom notes created by cutting letters out of magazines to tell the recipient, “YOU WILL BE MURDERED SOON.”

I received this text from a guy I met on a dating app called Chappy (which I actually like in general, despite this interaction). A little backstory: we’d been chatting for a few weeks and were in the process of setting up a time for a first date. He lives in Long Beach so it’s a bit of a schlep as the plan was to meet on the west side somewhere. If you know me you know that I’d rather drive to Canada than go to the west side. It’s a completely different world and takes minimum one hour to get there. Because I have a pretty tight/busy work schedule during the week, I try to relegate west side adventures to weekends. But I was definitely interested in meeting this guy. He’s very handsome, a doctor, but I knew little else about him.

Before this uncomfortable interaction, there were a few other red flags that this guy might be a bit too intense for me. About a week after we started chatting, I failed to respond to him in a timely manner so he wrote me, “What the fuck are you doing on here! Fuck you for wasting my time!” It had been three days. The other red flag was that he was wearing an Ed Hardy shirt in one of his pics. I hesitated when I saw that, but then chided myself for being so superficial. I guess part of me thinks that one’s personal style is a bit of an indicator of what his personality and interests might be, another part of me thinks it’s absolutely not okay to judge people by their clothing. The jury is out on which side of me is right.

I am definitely inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I know how terrible this whole world of dating apps is. So even though this first outburst seemed a little crazy, I let it go because I kind of knew exactly the type of guy my prospective date was used to dealing with. So we kept chatting. I proposed a few times to meet up, those didn’t work for him. He proposed meeting over the weekend, but my sister, her wife, and my three-month-old nephew were going to be in town.

Also, just a point of information about me that actually makes this guy sound less like a crazy person: I am actually quite terrible at texting, emailing, most forms of communication. It’s a combination of the fact that I receive a pretty large amount of outreach, from DMs on Instagram (I’m guessing I have about 10-20k unread messages in there) to emails and the fact that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the never-ending stream of messages that can result if you actually respond to someone. I guess this sounds kind of conceited, like I think I’m more important than other people, but it’s more the result of just feeling overwhelmed and also stems from the fact that naturally, I’m an introvert. I have to try pretty hard to be outgoing (which you’d likely not guess from meeting me or following me online).

But the point of this post isn’t really to place blame on him for texting like a lunatic or me for being terrible at communicating. What this interaction brought to light for me is how much pain everyone brings to the table in dating situations. It’s a harsh world out there, especially in the land of these dating apps, where flakiness is the default form of being. My response to this guy could have been better, but it also could have been much worse considering how intense his condemnation was.

Ok. Well thanks for reading into things that aren’t there then body shaming me. You seem level headed and totally normal. [Heart Emoji]

Think about it this way. At least you won’t be wasting your time going on a date with a fatty! [Upside Down Smiley Emoji – my favorite emoji btw]

And just keep in mind to be gentle with future guys you meet. You don’t know where people are coming from. Try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. Sometimes people are just busy and distracted and it has little to do with you. Everyone’s out there fighting their own battles. Best of luck to you in finding love. 

From there this interaction turned into a total therapy session. I tend to do that with people (just ask the massage therapist I went to yesterday!). I think (hope) I turned it around and made it better? You can be the judge of that. He kept being accusatory for a while, but eventually my questioning/listening won him over.

Orlando, here’s a little funny list: sorry my nephew is coming. Sorry my niece just visited unexpectedly [Note: my niece is six I have no idea how she’d get here by herself unexpected but fine, extra points for shocking story details]. Sorry I have to go to Chicago last minute for an emergency. Sorry VIP client is staying longer. Sorry it’s been a crazy week I’m very busy. Sorry I just had a car accident I’m having a tough time right now. Hahaha.. sound familiar?

What I started to sense was that I wasn’t me to this guy, I was some sort of avatar for every guy he’d ever hit on online. And honestly it made me feel for him. Our conversation continued and basically what I drew out of this guy was that he has a lot of pain and anger that stems from his interactions on dating apps. A few issues rose to the top as contributors to his frustration. Keep reading to find out what they are.

Dude, I have body issues too. I am short statured and narrow shouldered and thin boned. Being short is a major disqualifier for 99% of gays and straight women. Also, beautiful or not is irrelevant. I am aging and I am single. Being a doctor doesn’t mean jack shit to gays. I am short and not caucasian and I don’t have a Porsche. So being a doctor doesn’t matter. They don’t give a fuck.

One of the most telling pieces from this text is the part about dating while non-white. The gay community is notorious for being overtly racist. An aside, I never asked this guy the idiotic “WHERE ARE YOU FROM” question, but he looked Middle Eastern. Pretty eyes, beautiful dark lashes, very handsome. This is sort of relevant since he seems to feel ostracized in dating because of his ethnicity. Racism and being left out for being non-white is a legit grievance, and while my reservations about him had nothing to do with his ethnic background (I was very attracted to him), he has every right to be sensitive about that given that I’m sure he’s encountered constant race-based aggressions and micro-aggressions.

Another thing I got from this exchange was his sense that he has to fit into a box in order to be a viable candidate for a relationship. You have to be tall. You have to be white. You have to have the right kind of body. I also feel oppressed by that rigid system of who is deemed datable and who is not. I’ve said it before and I stand by this: the gay community is utterly cutthroat when it comes to body issues and appearance. And that can be totally demoralizing and crushing.

We continued this chat for a while and I asked him questions and kind of just let him vent about stuff that bothered him about gay dating. Honestly, by the time we’d been chatting a while I was almost like “Hey, should I just go out with this guy?” But I ended up deciding against it because I think the body shaming he did is ultimately unforgivable. If you know me you know that I’ve felt deep shame about my body for years. I have literally been on a diet since I was twelve and my shame and hatred of my physicality is something I’ve been trying to shake my entire life. Also, if the picture he’s referencing was actually me (which I’m not sure of because I’m not sure what “other dating site” he’s talking about), I look fine in it. Like I’m not a body builder but I also don’t look like a fat pizza.

Anyways, I don’t want you to go to sleep feeling shamed. I am sorry for bringing up your appearance. It’s not a reflection of what I really think of u. Obviously I think you’re cute I would not bother communicating with you. I just said that to piss you off. So hopefully you don’t feel unwanted or undesirable tonight. Take care.

I really appreciated his apology and it made me feel better about the entire strange interaction.

This is just a small selection of the extensive text conversation we had. It would have been overkill to show them all and analyze them, but mostly they were just a list of this guy’s grievances about the gay dating scene, most of them very valid and worth hearing. The overall feeling I got from this interaction was this. There’s a collective pain and anger in the dating world. I’m trying to do my best not to contribute to any negative experiences that might contribute to the communal pool of pain and frustration that will ultimately make its way back to me. In dating world, if you do something shitty to someone, they eventually pass the anger and resentment they feel about it to someone else. And that residual pain eventually makes its way back to you. So it behooves everyone not to be an asshole.

Growing up in Yosemite, I was always aware of a Leave No Trace philosophy. This is a set of beliefs about how to properly go out into the wild (i.e. prepare, don’t litter, take everything out that you bring in, etc). The concept is that you’re not leaving a path of waste and destruction behind you. The same philosophy can be applied to dating. It’s important to make sure you’re giving out the type of energy you want to receive back, that you’re treating people exactly how you’d like to be treated. Otherwise it will eventually come back and bite you in the ass.

I don’t really think there’s a right and wrong side on this text exchange. Did I screw up by not responding in a timely enough manner? Yes, but that is absolutely to be expected when you’re on a dating site. I tend to give other guys a lot of leeway in this arena because people are busy and when you haven’t met someone yet they aren’t a priority. I never take it personally when people take forever or don’t respond. The downside of these dating apps is that you connect with a million different people, so it can be hard to keep up with messaging (this is why more and more I’m trying to meet people in real time, through friends, in person).

Did this guy screw up by immediately becoming accusatory and mean? Yes, but that’s also to be understood as it sounds like his experience in the dating world has been terrible, he’s been mistreated, and he has a lot of pent up anger and sadness about it.

So here’s what I learned: be more attentive to people who you are chatting with on any kind of dating site. If someone says something crazy to you, try and figure out why they are being aggressive instead of feeding the anger back to them. Ultimately you’re doing something good for the entire dating community if you can talk them down and make them feel heard. And gay people, stop being racist body nazis. Have some sensitivity to other people and treat them with kindness and respect. If you don’t, how can you expect to be treated with any level of decency?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go out and find more guys online to call me fat.

Love,

Orlando

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47 Comment

  1. Kimberly says:

    This was so interesting. Such an insight to your dating world that I would otherwise never know. Kudos to you for taking the high road and seeing beyond the insults to the true issue of pain that someone was experiencing. Your ability to do that bodes well for a successful relationship. Good luck to you as you wade through the much and mire of the dating world. Wish I need someone to set you up with. You seem like a catch- smart, fun, insightful, and tolerant with a strong sense of the value of family.

  2. Karen says:

    I think it is amazingly kind of you to have dug past his anger. It sounds like you really helped him by giving him a sounding board. That said, DO NOT under any circumstances date someone who treats you like that. What he said to you was verbally abusive. You can explain it away, as in understanding him as a human, but don’t get sucked into the temptation to help him further, or god forbid, fix him. No, you deserve better than that. And also, you should move to Minneapolis. You’d be a skinny god here, seriously. Also rent is cheaper and you could probably take over the interior design world here. And we have an international airport, so no need to feel stuck in a flyover state. (BTW, I’m a middle-aged straight white woman with a husband and two kids, so consider this to be “mom” advice. Good mom advice. I think you’re awesome.)

    1. Victoria says:

      Great response Karen! I agree with Karen. Although not about Minneapolis as I have no experience of it 🙂
      You’re braver than me (more crazy?). The guy sounded like a complete psycho and I probably would have changed my number instead of talking to him!

  3. Davon says:

    Looks like you handled things very maturely. And you did better than “leave no trace behind” – you left a *positive* trace on that guy, who’d clearly been burned one too many times.

    The only note of caution I’d add is thinking of the “gay community” as this or that – it can disempower you! It’s not the gay community; it’s whom you associate with. Gay guys – we’re all guys, so we still by and large have guy issues – libido, the male gaze, etc., but there are guys who are *really* into being physically beautiful. And that’s totally fine. I enjoy their FB and Instagram feeds as much as the next red-blooded gay man, but I don’t include them in my close circle of friends. Why? Because I’m not physically beautiful nor do I aspire to be in that way (don’t get me wrong – I’m perfectly fine in the looks department, just nothing special), so the combination of me and them would be toxic. It’d be akin to a recovering alcoholic hanging out with people who drink or do deugs a lot. It’s fine if *they* want to do that – whatever makes you happy is my philosophy- but once you realize that alcohol and drugs aren’t for you, then mixing with those type of people is a recipe for disaster.

    So, no “gay community” this or that. If you don’t feel you can be your true authentic self around certain people, or being around those people make you feel bad, might be best to let those people go. Cheers!

    1. Herself In Dublin says:

      you did better than “leave no trace behind” – you left a *positive* trace on that guy, who’d clearly been burned one too many times.
      Perfectly put, and I agree 100%

  4. Britney says:

    This was really enlightening. We really can become so damaged by our past experiences. It’s like they all are trying to chip away at us.

    I’ve been thoroughly enjoying all of your posts. You are a great writer.

  5. Vanna says:

    This guy showed you exactly who he was without you ever having to date him.
    Can you even imagine having a fight with him once in a relationship, he seems like the abusive type
    ( perhaps not physically but emotionally).
    It’s important to be kind because we’re all dealing with something but it’s just as important to set up boundaries and not let people treat you like a punching bag because they have issues.
    Keep your head up good things are coming 🙂

  6. Deb says:

    I agree, this was so interesting! Thank you for being so open about your experience with this guy. Straight or gay, we all have experiences like this out in the world, where the interaction has really got very little to do with us. How we respond can change everything. Just by listening and responding kindly, you got some insightful information and were able to find peace with it. Well done!

  7. Mark says:

    The best advice I’ve ever been given is ‘never take anything personally.’ Not the bad and not the good. Everything people say (or text) is a reflection of themselves and has little to do with you. You handled this way better than most – I would have simply blocked him and moved on. You’re right – dating sucks!

  8. Sometimes people just suck too. My husband and I listed some construction leftovers on Craigslist while we were cleaning out, including my phone number so people could text to communicate. Some sweet lady came and got some plywood she needed as we were hauling the stuff off. Another person texted this giant, vile stream chewing me out including calling me a “fucking cunt” and more in all caps. I thanked them for taking the time to spread negativity, then blocked the number. My husband was super bothered by it and texted the guy “hey chill out, we are hauling the stuff off and some lady was happy” and the other person texted back even more vulgar stuff to him! It was insane. Ultimately we laughed it off.

    Moral of the story: some people are assholes for no reason. It was overly kind of you to continue texting the guy. Also, hands down, you’re gorgeous and it was a low blow on the body shaming. You look like a Grecian statue in almost every picture you post! Consider yourself lucky to have not wasted more time on that guy!

  9. This was so insightful and great to learn more about how dating life is going for you, because I think everyone agrees that we are all rooting for you! I literally spit my lunch out when I read the “YOU WILL BE MURDERED SOON” paragraph. And I agree with Sarah, you are a Grecian Statue. I am thankful you live inside my phone. Also, remember when you said you wanted to get a different phone, you would be the person sending jumbled texts if you get a non Iphone phone.

  10. Tara says:

    Great post. You are a very kind person to take the time to help someone who was so mean to you. You are making the world a better place. It is very inciteful to look beyond aggression to see pain, I have a hard time doing that as I am the most sensitive person in the world 😉 but after reading your post I will try. Love your work and your words.

  11. Alex says:

    I am really loving all your posts and hope you continue to blog more often! You are an excellent writer, have a genuinely interesting perspective, and are such a lovely addition to my day. With all that you have going for you I am sure you’ll find someone deserving. Can’t wait for your book to come out!

  12. Erin Z says:

    QUICK ASIDE: If someone is claiming they saw you on another dating site and that rings no bells, your cute-ass pics could be being used to catfish people. I’d mine that nugget of info and shut it down before it leads to more trouble! Anywho… you’re a wonderful person for this, and I am sure a hundred other reasons, and for that I am seriously crossing my fingers for you from way over yonder in Middle America.

    1. Sarah says:

      Good point!

  13. Dawn Spencer says:

    First, I have to say that I loved the 2017 Orlando, who was the only Orlando that I had known at that point. I was a new ‘follower’ last year. But thus far, I absolutely adore the 2018 Orlando. You are a total bad ass! This could very easily turn into a Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmation sounding comment, but I am being totally serious. You are just so great. For a gay man, for a straight man, for a gay woman, for a straight woman. Leaving all those labels aside . . . you are a wonderful human being, who is compassionate, caring, intelligent, so quick witted, uber talented, and very easy on the eyes. You have your shit together and you are a total catch. Please know that and please know that I am cheering loudly for you from here. xoxo

  14. Vid says:

    While I think it’s commendable that you responded to his vitriol with kindness, I have the same feelings about your response that I have to the lately-viral Sarah Silverman response to a troll. The message here should not be that if someone is abusive towards you, the right thing to do is to turn the other cheek and respond by trying to understand the abuser’s abusive behavior. I think that’s a dangerous message, frankly.

  15. Baye says:

    Orlando, so much respect to you for being so patient and kind to this (obviously hurtin’) guy who is filled with so much negativity and (mostly self) hate. I feel for him too. Although def good call not going on a date with him because you just ain’t got time for those bad vibes. Much love to you and if you’re ever in New Orleans I have a great guy who I would love to introduce you to. 💕 (heart^heart power emoji) -a fangirl @yogabaye

  16. Molly says:

    Well said Dawn. I totally agree. I too found Orlando last year. He is the BEST!!

  17. Becca says:

    You are basically Sarah Silverman now. Also that is just the sweetest that you were willing to look past the Ed Hardy shirt. ❤️

    1. Jodi says:

      😂😂🤣 glad to hear someone else was on on the same thought train…

    2. Kelly says:

      When I was online dating, Ed Hardy was definitely a deal breaker, totally laughed out loud by that.

      Seriously, is there a place in the U.S. where Ed Hardy is cool, and I’m just being judgey mcjudgerson? I totally imagine a super low brow “Make America Great Again” – supporting dude in say, Phoenix, with wrap around sunglasses and a bottle blonde with fake boobs as the penultimate Ed Hardy wearer, but I don’t know anyone who actually wears Ed Hardy to know why my mind goes immediate to this (rather scary) image above.

      Also, F that guy for body shaming you – I know dating in an (arguably at times) perfectionist community can be cruel and anxiety invoking, but seriously I feel like even if you were Tom Brady he’d have said the same rude comment – and I hate football so not sure why I’m using him as an example although I think you’re both hot, ha ha but it’s so junior high mean girl to immediate go “you’re fat” irrespective of the person you’re talking to.

  18. Candace says:

    I would have told him that dating apps are not a place for him to projectile vomit all of his issues onto you or any other person for that matter. It’s not right or wrong that he became accusatory, it’s INSANE. That guy has more issues than Vogue, and should be legally required to see a therapist before going on any more dates. Blech! No one is perfectly “figured out” but damn, you dodged a bullet. Imagine the drama and stress someone like that would bring in a real relationship? Love your transparency and silly nature – don’t be discouraged!

    xoxo from Austin TX

  19. Melissa says:

    I’m sorry this happened to you, and for how unpleasant the dating experience can be sometimes. I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m joking about this event by quoting Road House, but here goes!
    Dalton: Don’t worry about it. All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One: Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two: Take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three: Be nice.

    Obviously your potential dates aren’t “opponents”, that’s inappropriate and I’m not suggesting that. In my experience, as goofy as Road House is, it seems like these three rules are applicable to many situations dealing with people, especially people you don’t know, might date, and possibly end up in a bar with. You were very nice to this person when you could have been defensive and cruel, and both of you will be better for it. Especially because you didn’t go out with him, thank goodness!

  20. Kay says:

    Big hugs, you are amazing! xo

  21. Emily says:

    I’m surprised you still wanted to go on a date with this guy after he was rude with the use of “f-you” after he felt ignored. He’s lucky you even responded after that.
    You are fantastic and deserve an amazing man to love and support you and eventually become apart of Orlanworld. My very small 2 cents are this: know your worth because you are the best and deserve nothing short of the best. You were exceptionally kind giving this guy ANY of your time after he was incredibly rude to you. What I know for certain is that with all the thoughtful energy you are putting out there you will eventually reap what you sow.

  22. Amelia says:

    I’m sorry that happened to you, but it sounds like you were able to handle yourself and not let it affect you in the end. I guess I’m a little more optimistic with online dating since that is how I met my husband, but it’s tough! I met some great guys, but also a lot of not-so-great guys before I eventually met my husband. And don’t even get me started on body issues. I hope you meet an amazing guy in-person!

  23. Sydney says:

    This post gave me OKCupid PTSD and I have lots of other things to say that I’ll keep to myself.

  24. Ashley says:

    Online dating can be so soul-crushing! You are tougher than I. I made it only a few months before I couldn’t take it anymore. Such high, unrealistic standards. Such dismissiveness and superficiality. I felt I could tell almost nothing about people based on their carefully curated profiles and had to invest so much “chatting” time to have any idea of who they are, then would often meet them only to find there’s no chemistry in person! It exhausted me quickly and left me feeling discouraged, down on myself and desperate. I honestly don’t know how you’re managing to keep a level head in the midst of it! And I’m a straight female— I know that gay culture is a whole other ball game. Thanks for sharing this. I think our culture should be more aware of the ugly side of online dating and think critically about what it’s doing to our social norms. Have you read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari? If not, you should!

    PS- if I were a single gay man and still lived in LA, I’d snatch you up in a hot second! Not in a creepy abduction way though.

    We all love you and are rooting for you!

  25. Flo says:

    Your “swipe up cutie” call to action on insta story totally worked and I’m so happy I did – you are so funny I love your insta stories and posts – good luck in the dating world, seems like you will have good karma.

  26. I am the queen of the knee-jerk reaction but your handling of this situation has inspired me next time to not fire off a quick, scathing response but try to look beyond someone’s hurtful words to the motivation behind them. How much better would the world be if we all did that (especially online).

  27. Diego Guiberteau says:

    Hola Orlando,

    I’ve been wanting to write you since “a year depressed”, just to say thank you. Ive been following you since “the ten reasons why gay guys hate their bodies” (7 years now?) and even though at the moment you came across to me as a very privileged person complaining about a bubble I couldn’t even dream to touch one day, I ended up knowing through your posts.

    And you give me hope.

    As a homosexual that chokes on unrealistic body types, feels disgusted of the way we behave on the dating apps and has a brain that tells him everybody is extremely hot these days while I am a mixture between a chewed gum and something you see on a sidewalk and you softly poke with a stick to see if its alive, YOU GIVE ME HOPE. I can see a lot of myself reflected on your posts, and it is through your honesty that I learned to laugh at my own drama and, at the same time, identify the mistaken thoughts about my persona I allow my brain to host.

    Thank you, again. Only the guys that deserve you will be able to understand how lucky they are to be given the opportunity of dating you.

  28. Believe people when they show you who they are-they usually do this right away ( anger issues, demands on your time, etc). Thanks, Oprah!

    People are usually at their BEST when first meeting someone, so imagine how they would be as time goes on…lol.

    As a person who was married and divorced, then married to my forever soul mate and 8 years later suddenly widowed, and now married again( I KNOW!) for round three to my SoCal surfer dude ( 7 years woohoo!) -when two people are truly attracted to each other you/they will never wait three days to communicate.

    Your subconscious already knew he wasn’t the one. Pay attention to your hesitations-it’s your inner-self protecting you.

    Your responses were pure class-just like you.

    PS- when we get to Feb 4/Year of the Dog in Feng Shui circles-put a figure or a picture of a horse in the south part of your living room. It’s for romance luck!

    Wishing you the best kiddo. I KNOW how much online dating sucks, but I eventually found two amazing men online-and my daughter found her fiance ( wedding in May) five years ago on the interwebs as well.

    Good people-like YOU(!) are out there-you just have to keep looking. It will be worth it. 🙂

  29. Danielle says:

    Love, love, love your philosophy of leave no trace! Way to go Orlando! Dating is a difficult endeavor. May you find love again and continue forward with such grace!

  30. Kiki says:

    I mean. Have you ever considered just becoming the next Oprah?! Your ability to keep a level head, ask the right probing questions, and get that guy to be vunranke and transparent with his feelings is a GIFT.

  31. Rachel says:

    I relate to you 100,000% on the “on a diet since age 12” and life-long body issues thing. Hearing you say that makes me feel like we’re the same person.

    I know you won’t internalize this (because I wouldn’t be able to), but I can’t not say this after reading your post: You look amazing. You are so handsome and your body has never looked anything but fantastic from what I’ve seen. Obviously I see curated glamour shots, but still, I follow you on insta-stories so even in candid vids, etc, you look great.

    I’m finally to a place where I’m happy with my body (I lost 20 lbs that I *badly* needed to lose, thx whole30 and half-ass paleo) but body issues will probably always be with me somewhat.

    You, on the other hand, don’t need to lose 20 lbs, or any lbs. You are beautiful! At least from this straight woman’s perspective.

    And your hair always looks dope.

    Love you. Mean it.

    (and I can’t believe how mean that guy was to you. Even given the savage nature of your dating scene. That’s inexcusable behavior and I feel like he has issues. You did the right thing in talking him off the ledge, that’s like some Sarah Silverman twitter guy with back injury shit, you’re a better person than I’d be.)

  32. SANDRA says:

    You writing style is fabulous, you should be writing screen plays for Hollywood . Just love your blog and Instagram page . Just keep being authentically you, you are fabulous.

  33. Molly says:

    I don’t think the body-shaming is the deal-breaker here, so much as the vitriol, verbal abuse, and complete entitlement to your time and energy. This is the majority of straight men on dating apps too, from my experience. They abound. Take out the trash and find someone who wouldn’t think to take out their issues on/berate somebody they barely know. You deserve someone who makes you feel safe, loved, and excited.

  34. Krista says:

    That was a deeply empathetic response on your part. Well done.

  35. Molly says:

    While Leave No Trace is just good policy in camping and backpacking –well, everywhere, really– I’ve always adhered to Leave Things Better Than You Found Them. You went out of your way to do that with this guy! Wow! (But seriously?! His messages are awful and you deserve better!)

  36. Holy mother, I could not stop the RAGE through me when I read his initial response. He too should have lived through the medical philosophy of “Do No Harm”. I am sorry and devastated that you had to experience it and I am livid that sometimes anger seems to be an excuse for some to spread their anger to others. You will meet the right guy and if you don’t fuck them. You are awesome anyway

  37. Dena says:

    You were really compassionate reaching out to him to find something good. And then for recognizing that you shouldn’t date him. EVER! Your so fun and loving you don’t want someone who is going to suck the life out of you, so don’t be the person that dates someone to “fix” them and sounds like you know that. Also, I am 46, married mother of 1 who is here to tell you that you are very very handsome, and you have such a great personality…………..my husband knows who you are and I make him watch your instastories with me because you make me smile and laugh so much!

    I know you will meet the right guy when you least expect it!!! I’m rooting for you!

  38. Sarito says:

    He meant “phat” and insecurities can hop out a window (says this fattie who don’t give no shits & loves you despite internet anonymity)

  39. Rachel says:

    The more I date, the more I’m realizing that so many people out there (men and women, gay and straight) don’t have a connection to themselves. Maybe they are lost and don’t know what they truly are looking for in life, maybe they have low self-esteem, maybe they feel devalued at work. And when you haven’t taken the time to work on yourself, its much harder to have a clean and meaningful connection with another human being. Instead a lot of us cover up all that personal pain that we have with companionship, TV, food, a new hobby–anything to distract us from our own “head stuff”.

    For those people out there who have been in LTR with one or several people in succession: I don’t know how they ever truly get the time on their own to sit in their own shit and decide that they want to work on themselves. I’m sure a handful can do both, but it’s gotta be way harder to do while coupled.

    Being single for the past two years hasn’t been thrilling but it has given me the incredible opportunity to get real with myself about the things that have been holding my happiness back that have nothing to do with not having a partner.

    App dating profiles are really limited in space for writing, but I’ve been thinking about adding “Looking for someone who has a connection with himself, and who is looking for a connection with his partner.”

    You’re talented, funny, kind, surprisingly grounded and a total babe. I know there’s someone incredible in your future. xoRach

  40. Susie says:

    Ok, the only thing scarier than thinking about this guy being on dating sites is thinking about him treating patients. Please tell me he’s the kind of doctor that does research in a lab with Petri dishes! And I don’t believe that being short is that big of a detractor. Maybe being a short @$$h*le is unattractive, but short and sweet could be very attractive. Anyway, I’m straight and in my 50s, so what do I know? The body shaming reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld when the guy told Elaine she had a big head. Whaaaat? Really, you are very attractive. You need to learn to love yourself and leave your 12-year old self behind. It can’t get to you like that. ❤️

  41. Samantha Zutler says:

    Dating does suck! So badly! The thing is though, that I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: it doesn’t *work* to just say “oh, that guy’s a loser. NEXT!” If you’re going to continue to be open hearted, and deal with your own shit (what Rachel said!), you have to engage, you have to continue to see the good in people and empathize – even if you don’t end up dating them. I truly believe that that’s the only way it’s bearable because, at least then, whether we find someone or not, we don’t become bitter assholes in the process. I think this is why it can be so frustrating to get “advice” from folks in LTRs or married – it’s not always about whether the Other Person is an asshole. It’s about how this dating thing is our lives, and we have to wade through it, all the time, without going batshit and also trying to grow ourselves! I’m 42 and single and the fact that you did this and shared it makes me feel like I’m not so crazy. So thank you.

    And, on a way less preachy and not weird at all, note – I think you’re fantastic! I know this is super cliched, but I actually think I try to set you up with my gay friends (I haven’t found one who I think would be a good fit). I obviously haven’t given much thought to the logistics of this situation, *being that I don’t actually know you*, but do know that I’m on the case! xoxo, Sam(antha) in San Francisco

  42. Cara says:

    You really took the high road – and confirmed what I already know- you are a good and kind (and very handsome) man. As a straight woman I will say we deal with a lot of the same stuff. Dating can be challenging. xoxo

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