Dear My Face,
So, first of all, a disclaimer that this post is going to seem totally narcissistic. Why? Because it is. It’s just me talking about my dumb face. So to those of you who are on the fence about me and my stupid personality, I’d skip this post and go to the next. Ok, so is anyone still there? Are you there God, it’s me, Orlando’s Facial Hair. Anyhoo, I’m constantly obsessing about my facial hair because when I have it I go crazy because it’s so itchy but when I don’t I feel naked and way less cool. So I decided to do an experiment where I photograph myself with three facial hair styles (beardscruff, mustache, and nakedface). A fun fact about me is that I really want a tattoo but I can’t decide what I want to get so I’ll never get one. I’m kind of the same way with my stupid face. I’ll shave it completely then see a hot guy with a mustache and wish I had one. Then I’ll grow a mustache and realize it makes me look like a pervert Peeping Tom so I shave it off. And then the cycle begins once more. When it comes to decisions about my facespace, I’m totally non-committal. Kind of like every guy I try to date. Until I break up with them and then they marry their next boyfriend while I cry outside of the church. Oh wait, that never happened. It kind of did. Like every day of my life. Below are the fascinating results of my experiment.
OPTION 1: Scruff
– It gives you “Instant Facial Contouring.” Trust me on this one, I learned it from my makeup artist.
– It makes you look manly, without making you look too much like a character actor from a Christopher Guest film.
– A hot French dude recently told me that if you don’t have scruff in Paris they just assume you’re old or a huge dork.
– It covers up ChinZits. If you have any. Which I totally don’t. I promise. Oh wait yes I do. I’m disgusting.
– It’s boring.
– Everyone else is doing it.
– It’s prickly. If you make out with someone it can give them rugburn.
– If it gets too long it can reveal your status as a secret Ginger and/or fleshbeard.
OPTION 2: Mustache
– It gives you street cred.
– It makes you look cool.
– It tells everyone that you have a sense of humor and don’t take yourself too seriously.
– It allows for a diversity of zany facial expressions that are otherwise unattainable.
– It attracts pretty Silverlake boys with neck tattoos.
– It scares away everyone that isn’t a pretty Silverlake boy with a neck tattoo.
– It makes you look like a child molester, pervert, and/or Peeping Tom.
– My mustaches is GingerBlond, which reveals some deep dark ethnic secrets I’m not ready to divulge to the public.
– It’s really itchy and gets in your mouth and sometimes crumbs get stuck in it, which makes you look homeless.
– People like to point out that mustaches make you look more Latino, but really what they mean is that you look just like the racist stereotype of a Mexican wearing a sombrero that constantly dances in their heads.
OPTION 3: NakedFace
– It feels so silky smooth and allows you to totally exfoliate your face as often as you please (sidenote: do you LOVE exfoliating your face? I do).
– It gives you a fresh look, like a young college kid ready to tackle the world! Go get ’em, Tiger!
– If you rub your face on a fur coat (Sidenote: FUR IS MURDER!) or a small dog, you can really feel how soft it is.
– You don’t give anyone rug burn when you make out with them.
– Do you have any idea how expensive razors are?!? The other day, I went to Target to pick up some razors. But when I got there I realized they were so expensive that I would have to mortgage my house to buy the replacement blades. But then I realized I didn’t own a home to refinance, so I had to go out and buy a multimillion dollar home. As you can imagine, I was already SO tired at this point. But I still had to use my recently purchased home as leverage to get the credit I needed to be able to afford to buy a package of four Gillete Fusion Blades to shave my stupid face. And now I’m still broke from the whole affair. THAT is how expensive razors are. Which is why I shave as infrequently as possible and NakedFace probably isn’t a good choice for me. In conclusion, if you see a man in the street with no facial hair, he’s probably a billionaire. You should snatch him up!
I’m not entirely sure what I learned from this experiment. I think I’m leaning towards “OPTION 1: Scruff.” It says “Hi, I have some edge to me, but you wont find me creepily staring into your bedroom window late at night.” I do really like the mustache, but it seems too much like a costume to me. In conclusion, I think I’ll stick to my Scruffy roots and keep my GingerStache to myself. Until the next time I see a hot guy with a mustache and then I’ll want one again.
PS: What’s your vote: Option 1 Scruff, Option 2 Mustache, or Option 3 Nakedface?