What To Do With A Gingerbeard

22 December 2011

Dear My Face,

So, first of all, a disclaimer that this post is going to seem totally narcissistic. Why? Because it is. It’s just me talking about my dumb face. So to those of you who are on the fence about me and my stupid personality, I’d skip this post and go to the next. Ok, so is anyone still there? Are you there God, it’s me, Orlando’s Facial Hair. Anyhoo, I’m constantly obsessing about my facial hair because when I have it I go crazy because it’s so itchy but when I don’t I feel naked and way less cool. So I decided to do an experiment where I photograph myself with three facial hair styles (beardscruff, mustache, and nakedface). A fun fact about me is that I really want a tattoo but I can’t decide what I want to get so I’ll never get one. I’m kind of the same way with my stupid face. I’ll shave it completely then see a hot guy with a mustache and wish I had one. Then I’ll grow a mustache and realize it makes me look like a pervert Peeping Tom so I shave it off. And then the cycle begins once more. When it comes to decisions about my facespace, I’m totally non-committal. Kind of like every guy I try to date. Until I break up with them and then they marry their next boyfriend while I cry outside of the church. Oh wait, that never happened. It kind of did. Like every day of my life. Below are the fascinating results of my experiment.

OPTION 1: Scruff


– It gives you “Instant Facial Contouring.” Trust me on this one, I learned it from my makeup artist.
– It makes you look manly, without making you look too much like a character actor from a Christopher Guest film.
– A hot French dude recently told me that if you don’t have scruff in Paris they just assume you’re old or a huge dork.
– It covers up ChinZits. If you have any. Which I totally don’t. I promise. Oh wait yes I do. I’m disgusting.


– It’s boring.
– Everyone else is doing it.
– It’s prickly. If you make out with someone it can give them rugburn.
– If it gets too long it can reveal your status as a secret Ginger and/or fleshbeard.

OPTION 2: Mustache


– It gives you street cred.
– It makes you look cool.
– It tells everyone that you have a sense of humor and don’t take yourself too seriously.
– It allows for a diversity of zany facial expressions that are otherwise unattainable.
– It attracts pretty Silverlake boys with neck tattoos.


– It scares away everyone that isn’t a pretty Silverlake boy with a neck tattoo.
– It makes you look like a child molester, pervert, and/or Peeping Tom.
– My mustaches is GingerBlond, which reveals some deep dark ethnic secrets I’m not ready to divulge to the public.
– It’s really itchy and gets in your mouth and sometimes crumbs get stuck in it, which makes you look homeless.
– People like to point out that mustaches make you look more Latino, but really what they mean is that you look just like the racist stereotype of a Mexican wearing a sombrero that constantly dances in their heads.

OPTION 3: NakedFace


– It feels so silky smooth and allows you to totally exfoliate your face as often as you please (sidenote: do you LOVE exfoliating your face? I do).
– It gives you a fresh look, like a young college kid ready to tackle the world! Go get ’em, Tiger!
– If you rub your face on a fur coat (Sidenote: FUR IS MURDER!) or a small dog, you can really feel how soft it is.
– You don’t give anyone rug burn when you make out with them.


– Do you have any idea how expensive razors are?!? The other day, I went to Target to pick up some razors. But when I got there I realized they were so expensive that I would have to mortgage my house to buy the replacement blades. But then I realized I didn’t own a home to refinance, so I had to go out and buy a multimillion dollar home. As you can imagine, I was already SO tired at this point. But I still had to use my recently purchased home as leverage to get the credit I needed to be able to afford to buy a package of four Gillete Fusion Blades to shave my stupid face. And now I’m still broke from the whole affair. THAT is how expensive razors are. Which is why I shave as infrequently as possible and NakedFace probably isn’t a good choice for me. In conclusion, if you see a man in the street with no facial hair, he’s probably a billionaire. You should snatch him up!

I’m not entirely sure what I learned from this experiment. I think I’m leaning towards “OPTION 1: Scruff.” It says “Hi, I have some edge to me, but you wont find me creepily staring into your bedroom window late at night.” I do really like the mustache, but it seems too much like a costume to me. In conclusion, I think I’ll stick to my Scruffy roots and keep my GingerStache to myself. Until the next time I see a hot guy with a mustache and then I’ll want one again.


PS: What’s your vote: Option 1 Scruff, Option 2 Mustache, or Option 3 Nakedface?

23 Comment

  1. Hollywood says:

    First of all, happy holidays Orlando! Hope you keep regaling us with these hysterical musings in 2012.
    My opinion, #3! Now had you offered a closer cropped version of #1, I may have been swayed. #2 doesn’t exist as an option, you should delete it…never, never mustaches unless it’s for a great role in a movie or you HAVE to do it because your friends decided on a Village People group costume for Halloween and the only character not taken yet is Randy Jones’s cowboy costume (but even in that case I would question the costume choice if you couldn’t be the construction worker).

  2. #3. Definitely, #3.

  3. Christine says:

    Despite being a fan of #1 on many men, I vote naked face all the way for you. Why? Because you have a wonderfully defined jaw line and cheek bones, and it’s a tragedy to cover it up. You’ve got it, so work it!

  4. Ben says:

    #1. I agree about the mustache feeling like a costume. I feel like I should constantly be thoughtfully smoothing it or attempting to twirl it menacingly.

  5. d r e w says:

    #1 for sure. it looks great on you.

  6. I read this post with a grin on my face and giggling to myself…it’s fun to be able to laugh at ourselves, it’s free therapy…mi muy humilde opinion: options 1 and 3 are your best looks, the mustache, mmm, I just find it funny when the color doesn’t match with the rest of the hair we see…you’ve got good bones (sounds like an old sofa when you’re between giving it to good will or re-upholstering it) so the naked face is good and the scruff really does give them extra definition…it’s good to have options, we just wear make-up but guys, well have to play with their good looks and play them up or down depending on the mood, I think! being such a, easy-going guy makes you looks handsome with any look (- mustache)…just answering your PS…btw, PS. love to read you!!

  7. Jen says:

    My PS vote, a mix of #1 and #3. They both look great and you could save a little money at least… Then you should occasionally leave the mustache for funny pictures, because the second one of those was decidedly hilarious 🙂

  8. I just wrote a really carefully response that I found hilarious. Then somehow I deleted it and it refuses to come back.

    No. 3.

    No.1 and 2 are good because you are not ugly on the outside and so you can choose them if you must, but 3 is so very “I don’t need hipster scruff to make you think I have a personality because I’m gorgeous.” Sort of like how wealthy Brits wear moth-eaten sweaters (or so I’ve heard) … because they don’t HAVE to wear new 100-percent intact clothing to show you their bank account.

    Also, this post is hilarious and I’m now going to email it to my brother.

  9. Nathan says:

    I vote for #3 though for only selfish reasons. Leave me ALL the pretty Silverlake boys with neck tattoos! #mineminemine

    Though if I were a real friend I would say #2 is pretty haute. But I’m not a real friend. So keep a close shave.

  10. Raya says:

    I swooned at #3. I realize I, the 32 yr. old
    married mother of 2 is not your target audience, but I still thought it was worth noting.

    1. Kate says:

      “Ditto” says the 31 year old married mother of 1.

  11. shae says:

    I also vote for a mix between number 1 and 3. You can’t go wrong with a laid back sort of look. Cool but not too cool.

  12. tess says:

    hiya! you are a handsome fella with big blue eyes & killer bone structure, why would you cover any of that up? so my vote is for No. 3, spritely hairstyle shows off your boyish good looks

    If you decide to cultivate facial hair you may also want to reconsider your hairstyle to complement, there is some “discord” between your current style & the trial outgrowths you’re sporting:
    ie, for No. 1 something close to the scalp, think brooding beatnik, George Clooney in ER, Julius Ceasar,
    for No. 2, longer, waver locks to balance the ‘stache, think Burt Reynolds in the seventies

  13. decorbuddy says:

    Love your “cleaner” look. Facial hair is out.

  14. Ricardo says:

    Look 1! For sure. You look ruggedly handsome. I absolutely hate shaving, I mostly trim, unless I’m going to a grand event. I will go shave…now. So, take me away Orlando! I’ll be waiting, with my ‘stache, it sounds much more creepy if I have a mustache. I don’t really. Promise.

  15. ian says:

    i vote for either clean shaven, or a full beard. you look great either way. i wear a beard because it looks good on me (clean shaven i scare away children and animals and cause blindness in adults) and it’s low maintenance.

  16. #1 for always, but i secretly love the ‘stache.

  17. randi says:

    I think you are totally gorgeous with or without facial hair but I dig the heck out of that moustache.

  18. abbi says:

    normally I’m all about the scruff– especially on my husband …and while it looks good on you too…. OMG #3! You are so handsome and chiseled and you have a very attractive lip shape! Granted I’m a female but I don’t see why a hot guy wouldn’t agree with me all the way. Why not just alternate between 1 and 3 ? Shave it all off, grow it out, shave it all off, grow it out. NO TO THE MUSTACHE. unless feel like being silly for a couple days, then who cares.

  19. Donald says:

    Another pro for full scruff is that it makes your lips look fuller. And for you, that’s not a bad thing.

  20. Naked face all the way !

  21. Azure says:

    I like scruff, but there is too much mustache in your #1 scruff.

  22. Kathklim says:

    #1 – but shorter please.. or #3.
    #2 – is too costumey. I feel the urge to speak to the moustache and not you. Does that make any sense?

    I so glad I found your blog, its hilarious !

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